Honestly, I love the blogs that are really cute, that are light and fluffy. I've noticed that when I'm reading social media, or even books, movies, tv shows, etc. I trend towards the ones that aren't depressing. I've never really connected with the type of readers who say they want to read books that make them feel dead inside--a sentiment I thought was a myth until I saw a Reel on it awhile ago.
But I think I have to admit something disappointing to myself: I think I've been sugarcoating this. I think I've been trying really hard not to let the depressing side of myself taint and overtake the positive and lighthearted stuff I've been wanting to post.
I had this idea that at the end of the year, I'd be able to look through everything and have it act as a time capsule, so I think I wanted to capture things in a light, easy tone and feel good about myself, and make content I knew I'd be the type to enjoy. But in a way, it feels disingenuous.
Having never really grew up writing a blog, I still haven't come to a conclusion about what is a blog? or why does one blog? The best thing I've come up with lately is it's either like... a newsletter you write to anyone interested or it's the written equivalent of "hey, look at this cool thing, let me share it with you." I don't want to share a depressing or concerning newsletter, but I am honestly and transparently, at my very near to my core, a depressed individual in many ways. To check this blog at the end of the year and it only being happy painted on smiles would be a blog that doesn't actually capture me completely.
About a year and a half ago, I had a major surgery. I never thought anything like what happened would happen to me. It was a total shock. That night in the ER where the doctor told me they found a mass in my abdomen felt like the guillotine that sprang down and cut my life into two pieces: pre-tumor and post-tumor. Both were/are messes, but in different ways, and post-tumor was a beast I was never and may never be equipped for.
My hospital stay was another shock for me. I had to go along with a lot of things I didn't want to do for the sake of my health, and at the end of it, when I was finally home, it took a long time to realize that it almost felt like surviving torture in a way. There were so many instances of people invading my space, invading my body, when if I had a clear and total choice, I would've said no. I remember the night before my surgery daydreaming about running away with my boyfriend, joking about it, focusing so hard on it that I was wishing I really could do it.
One of the tests they tried to do to me ended up being terminated early. They said they couldn't do it on me. But it was a very upsetting and violating experience, and I think about it more often than I wish I did. The hospital billed me for it. We caught it in the itemized bill and tried to dispute it. My mom and I called the hospital billing over 15 times. It went to collections three times total. I tried so hard not to pay it.
Eventually I went to my insurance and tried to appeal the charge. Last month, I got the appeal decision back. They upheld the hospital billing. The reasoning they used made it clear they did not read the page and a half I wrote in my appeal paperwork--they wrote as if they thought I was trying to dispute the entire hospital stay. At one point, even saying a phrase like "We understand, we do."
I think ever since my surgery, I've been dealing with a lot of pain in a lot of different forms. I think I was a kind of sad and depressive person before the surgery, but now it's like it's evolved.
It's hard to explain, because I feel like someone like my boyfriend for instance doesn't understand a strange duality with it. I can be happy and light on the surface and make a cute blog and use cute gifs, I can make jokes and laugh, but it's like this pain and sadness is inside me now. It's like the doctor that broke the news to me injected me with it and now it's all mixed into my blood. A storm cloud that follows me everywhere. Inescapable. Always lurking underneath. Idk.
i agree real life is depressing and share the sentiment of not wanting to post sad things, a few months ago i posted a blog about a bad experience and ended up deleting it because i felt like it ruined the vibes of my blog and i have a couple of depressing drafts i never post. but i don't mind reading sad posts from other people, it makes them real and relatable so maybe i should just start posting mines.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry to hear about your terrible medical experience, it really sounds like a nightmare. i understand only wanting to interact with cute happy things to feel better and i would argue it kinda works,
I really feel, I also have a few depressing drafts that just kind of stare at me every time I login... No clue if I'll ever work up the courage to post them. And I tried to think like that too, that if it was someone else sharing something vulnerable I wouldn't have such a hard time with it. I think it's just because it's mine that I treat it unfairly.
DeleteAnd thank you ;_; Hopefully interacting briefly with the icky things make the cute happy things that much cuter and happier
I struggle with the idea of a blog too. What can you say that is personal, and what do you censor? I like to think of how in 2012, I had a twitter that hardly anyone followed, and was more for me then anyone else. Long story short, that was depresssssing. Twitter back then for me was a way to get thoughts out (as 'deep' as a 12 year old's brain could coendure up). Of course I look back at those now and question why I posted that kind of stuff. Not only for it being out in the public, but also because right now, 13 years later, the problems I faced where so trivial. But I think life is just full of facing problems that will later become normal and silly occurrences. That is scary when I type it like that- the idea that we will always have to adapt to larger and harder problems, but I think having that space to look back and say "wow, that problem was the end of the world to me then" might just make the issues you face now a little more palatable. or you'll get a laugh. Either way, our little small blog community will all do the same, and isn't that comforting that all these people are reading each others highs and lows on a random Wednesday? It makes me feel a little better at least.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are feeling better, I am sorry about the space invading hospital visit. I think your realness in how sucky the world can be and cute gifs both work hand in hand, and you can mix and match however you like. This is a space to be you, without really worrying too much about perceptions
It's funny, because before my medical stuff I was just as emotional and things always felt so end-of-the-world for me, but after my medical stuff it felt like it shifted. I still have problems and issues, but like you said they've kind of evolved and become bigger and scarier. Past me would've never been able to handle some of what I can handle now, and if anything things tend to feel less end-of-the-world than before even though the problems are bigger.
DeleteIt definitely comes and goes. I spoke to a lot of people that went through similar experiences and they told me stuff like that never completely goes away, so I was expecting it. I feel surprisingly good about just opening the can of worms and posting about it, I think I was trying to avoid it and I felt like it was going to ruin the vibe I was going for, but it actually makes it easier now to write more freely. I thought it would ruin my little blog but I'm feeling good about it.
And thank you <3
hey! just came across your blog, and then came across this post.
ReplyDeleteim new to this whole blogging thing myself and didn't blog when blogging was really popular. i always worry about my negative posts coming off as whiny or ungrateful, so i battle with myself in what i post on here. i am also a overthinker.
but i do want to time capsule things, and i feel like having a healthy mix of "positive" and "negative" can't hurt.
plus, I agree with what Peach said in these comments, you can maybe look back and think to yourself, "wow...can't believe I made such a big deal about that," or "look how much i've overcome!"
we are human (or in your case, a rat). us human beings aren't constantly going to have positive things to say, at least in my experience. life is gonna life.
i hope you're doing okay, ghost to rat. <3