Hello, welcome to my parlor. I see you're admiring the tokens on my shelf. All have frightfully fearful origins, I'm afraid. And soon, you will be afraid too! As I go through each item and tell you the positively horrifying tale behind each, it's possible your young heart will--
Oh, you're over twenty-two and you're out of college? Okay, don't look at those horrors, come over here to the mundane wall.
Stand right--over a little, over a little... Riiiight, here. NOW! Wait, sorry. Feet on the yellow circle please. The circle. On the floor. I'm pointing at it, I'm pointing at it--yes. Thank you. Sorry, it's an insurance thing. Anyways.
NOW! Now you will know true fear! Quake in your worn out pair of reasonably priced Costco sneakers that are slightly the wrong size but you feel anxiety about returning even though Costco is notoriously good at returns!
Your latest read is a nearly 80k word long Soap Ghost fanfic that you can't tell anyone about?
Your coworker likes to read the same books as you too, and she's been asking more and more questions about what books you've been reading lately. How are you going to tell her the last novel-length work you've read is a fanfic of two of the most alpha fictional men that have ever existed falling deeply in love with each other? She's over thirty, from India, with a child and husband--she will not comprehend what a "COD" is. Enjoy hearing her say, "Ghost, what is that?" in your NIGHTMARES!
Is your coworker just nice or does he want to talk to you outside of work?
What's that? Your cool helpful remote coworker is really nice and funny and you enjoy talking to him? You'd like to ask for his Discord to hang out with him outside of work? Enjoy building up the infinite courage to do that! He probably just sat in those calls for hours with you because he's nice!
You have two pairs of work pants -- can anyone tell you only have two??
Pants are expensive and painful, and two pairs have served you well for two years. Let's be real, you still feel like a kid playing dress up each morning, so the idea of dropping a lot of money on a professional wardrobe feels like counting chickens. But it's okay, no one can tell that's just two pairs of the same slacks in different colors... OR CAN THEY?
Putting a bleach tablet in the toilet tank -- did you sprinkle bleach all over the floor and now your skin will slough off?
Nice attempt at being clean, except... did that package just sprinkle microscopic pieces of concentrated ultra-bleach all over the floor and toilet seat? What if someone eats off of that? THEY'LL EXPLODE. Have fun trying to sleep tonight without that image in your head.
Was that salad you ate on Monday abnormally wet or was that a normal wet?
Gosh, what a nice salad. And you added carrots and chicken tenders? Wow, that's really nice. Too bad the salad leaves are sopping wet, right out of the bag. Did whoever bag this just skip a drying step, or are they normally this wet? It's a new bag you just opened so you don't want to toss it, so enjoy eating that and wondering if every cramp for the next three days are the cold talons of the wet salad reaching for you from beyond the grave.
You just got your first dye job but now you're worried you'll lose your job before your second session?
Wow, your hair looks really nice! Finally pulled the trigger on that dye job, huh? That's fun. Except you're reminded of the impermanence of employment in America and now you're feeling like a jackass for spending anything and keep thinking of a reality where you get laid off before turning your hair into the color you actually wanted. MWAHAHAHA!
Look at it! Gaze upon the mundane horrors and see them gazing back at you! Truly the mundane are more horrifying, more terrifying, more dreadful than any wild nightmare of the imagination!
CURRENT RAT EVENTS
Haven't killed the mint yet. Almost did a few weeks ago. But then I watered it, trimmed off the dead leaves, and it stabilized. It's pretty green now, so I haven't killed it yet. I think it does whatever the mint equivalent of sweating is when it sees me coming with its little beady mint eyes.
Eight of Wands (upright)--Movement, action, speed.
Layoffs. No other word is as scary to a corporate rat just trying to make it in this world. That and PIP. I think statistically, everyone is fired/laid off at some point in their lives. It's one of those great equalizers--beast and man, we all walk out with a cardboard box at some point.
Anyways, they happened again. Layoffs. They seem to come around every few months, about once a year we'll get hit by some heavy ones. But they're a bit like a hail storm, you kind of bunker down, focus on your hands gripping the steering wheel, and before you know it, it's passed. You drive home observing the damage in a kind of touristy shock, but you're happy you're safe and home.
Casting elongated similes aside, we had layoffs today. I wasn't affected, in the sense that my things can stay at my desk. But everyone I like at the office was affected. It's almost like if I had any joy at seeing them, corporate put a black mark on their name and gave them the axe. Some even go beyond the chains of coworkers and became my friends, real life friends. All gone.
I'm pretty low on the totem pole of problems in this, I'll admit that. Oh wah, at least you have a job. But I feel very deeply for my friends and coworkers, and I cry for them. It's tragic. I saw them/spoke to them five days a week for the past three and (almost) a half years. Tomorrow, this rat will swipe her badge and scurry into the office and all the desks around her will be empty. I expect their stuff will still be there like some kind of ghoulish living memorial. There's a part of me that feels sad that I will have no one to talk to anymore, but the larger part is sad for them.
This corporate world will chew you up, use you up, and spit you out. The great layoff hammer will surely descend on me one day.
Anyways, here's the music I've been listening to on repeat lately.
"Ice In My OJ" by Hayley Williams
Ms. Williams is so fucking cool. I feel like she's made her money, she doesn't really need to try that hard anymore, and I want to believe that she makes music for the love of making music. She's certainly still got a lot to say, some of which on her most recent solo album is actually a bit shocking or illuminating, like her songs "True Believer" on her thoughts on religion and "Mirtazapine", named after her medication.
"Ice In My OJ" is short but ear-catching, especially for its chorus of her screaming "I'm in a band! I'm in a band!" over and over that seems more in place in a screamo song. Her delivery of the rest is almost a bit gentle, a bit thoughtful, which contrasts the sudden energy of the screaming well. It's two minutes long, what have you got to lose?
"Ur Mum" & "Piece of Shit" by Wet Leg
Wet Leg has been my four wet legs during my difficult past two weeks or so. Idk if that makes sense, trying to say they've supported me through some tough rat times. I've listened to their two albums a few times over, I could recommend any songs here because they are truly nearly all so strong and fun.
Wet Leg has this kind of casual vibe to their songs, as if it doesn't matter to them if anybody hears it or not. And their lyrical choices are really strange sometimes, in a cute, poetic way. And when they're mad, the lyrics become biting. "Piece of Shit", "Ur Mum", "mangetout" all give this kind of "fuck you, man" energy. It's like if your friends younger sister had the fucking coolest garage band you've ever heard in your life. I love them, it really feels like they don't give a shit what I or anyone else thinks.
"party 4 u" by Charli xcx
You know "party 4 u". Your mom knows "party 4 u". Your dog knows "party 4 u" and has seen the music video too. If you didn't know "party 4 u", I'd shit in my hand.
I used to only hear it in Instagram reels, the sad ones about like unrequited love, and at the time I didn't really get it. And I didn't get Charli xcx. A bit weird, I thought.
It's so unique though, the vibe of it is simultaneously electronic dance but with lyrics as sad and soulful as a classic country song (imagine if the kids that did "The Spark" took a crack at Brooks & Dunn's "Neon Moon"). Everyone has felt this way at some point, that feeling of making an effort for someone and wanting so badly for them to show up for you, to do the bare minimum ("Hey, maybe attend this whole fucking party I threw for you") and having them not show up. There's a few songs that will play and they'll just pick up my brain like a claw in a claw machine and take it away for 4 minutes 56 seconds and I'll enter this daze of just feeling it so hard. Like musical drugs. This song is one of those.
"Liz" by Remi Wolf
"Shoo, shut up... Shoo, shut up... Shoo, shut up" is such a good little doo-wop type vocalization to open the song with. Remi Wolf for me feels like almost a bit of a dark horse, she has this chaotic energy that is hard to pin down. Partially because she has these energetic, electronic-tinged songs like "Photo ID" or "wyd", the type of songs that have you dancing; then she has these songs at a slightly slower bpm like "Toro" and "Anthony Kiedis" that have you humming; and then bam, she hands you fucking "Liz".
"Liz" feels pretty different from her other songs, like I'm not sure I could put it in a box with those. It's a bit soulful, and if you try to sing along to it you'll feel like a dumbass because Miss Wolf sings her fucking heart out. She's really trying to get that voice up to the rafters, and at the end of it, it feels like we all know Liz a little bit better.
"Beggin'" by Maneskin
I think this song really blew up a few years ago. Did you know it has like 2 billion listens on Spotify? Because I did not. So yeah, you know "Beggin'", your mom knows "Beggin'", dog, etc. all that.
But it got big for a reason, because it's fucking good.
"Doing Really Well Thanks" by Ellie Bleach
I love "Doing Really Well Thanks" because you know what it's about, you don't have to look up the meaning or anything. It's like that feeling of watching a movie where the pure character falls from grace and you are holding this anxiety in your stomach, but in a 4 minute 43 second long song.
The song walks a tightrope of begging you and judging you, "please don't tell them how I am" but also "I've done awful things for money but you've all done worse for free". I love that you can hear the distress and panic in the singer's voice, but at the end she still strongly sticks by the stance of not needing help, saying "I do not need ya help, thanks, I'm doing really well, thanks". This song is a simulation of trying to talk to someone and help them on something they simply do not want to discuss with you. Is it going to end well for them? Probably not. But it's their choice and you just have to listen to them dissolve into more insistent objections. (If you listen to it on repeat, the manic laughter at the beginning takes on a creepier feel.)
"After Last Night" by Silk Sonic
Silk Sonic is the rare band that can claim to have all hits. Granted, they only have ten songs, but ALL HITS. I've gone through my "Leave the Door Open" era. I've gone through my "Skate" era. My "Smokin Out The Window", my "Fly As Me" eras. In the book of An Evening With Silk Sonic, that leaves me square in my "After Last Night" era.
Words will probably fail to capture how fucking good this and all other listed songs are. You will have to chain yourself down to keep from dancing and grooving. Silk Sonic is like that music video from Mars Argo where their music makes the test subjects uncontrollably dance, which might be a bad example because I have never felt the urge to uncontrollably dance to "Using You" by Mars Argo. (It's a good song but not really dance song imo)
"あぶく" by Yorushika
I haven't seen Liar Game, I know nothing about it, but I'm pretty pissed at it for fumbling such a good OP as this song could deliver. It's perfect for an energetic, high tempo anime intro. Don't look it up, it will only hurt you...
"あぶく" (or "Bubble") tells a story. A story you can't understand because you don't understand Japanese (presumably; perhaps I'm speaking more for myself here). It lays some almost subtly jazzy groundwork with the first few lines, then explodes into an untouchable energy, layering instruments over instruments that aren't afraid to fade into near-silence to build that tension up all over again.
The song? Phenomenal. The music video? Indescribable. Honestly makes you a little mad for the music videos that are just artists mouthing along to the words of the song, because the music video tells a story, one that you probably can understand because the visuals aren't in Japanese.
Honestly, I love the blogs that are really cute, that are light and fluffy. I've noticed that when I'm reading social media, or even books, movies, tv shows, etc. I trend towards the ones that aren't depressing. I've never really connected with the type of readers who say they want to read books that make them feel dead inside--a sentiment I thought was a myth until I saw a Reel on it awhile ago.
But I think I have to admit something disappointing to myself: I think I've been sugarcoating this. I think I've been trying really hard not to let the depressing side of myself taint and overtake the positive and lighthearted stuff I've been wanting to post.
I had this idea that at the end of the year, I'd be able to look through everything and have it act as a time capsule, so I think I wanted to capture things in a light, easy tone and feel good about myself, and make content I knew I'd be the type to enjoy. But in a way, it feels disingenuous.
Having never really grew up writing a blog, I still haven't come to a conclusion about what is a blog? or why does one blog? The best thing I've come up with lately is it's either like... a newsletter you write to anyone interested or it's the written equivalent of "hey, look at this cool thing, let me share it with you." I don't want to share a depressing or concerning newsletter, but I am honestly and transparently, at my very near to my core, a depressed individual in many ways. To check this blog at the end of the year and it only being happy painted on smiles would be a blog that doesn't actually capture me completely.
About a year and a half ago, I had a major surgery. I never thought anything like what happened would happen to me. It was a total shock. That night in the ER where the doctor told me they found a mass in my abdomen felt like the guillotine that sprang down and cut my life into two pieces: pre-tumor and post-tumor. Both were/are messes, but in different ways, and post-tumor was a beast I was never and may never be equipped for.
My hospital stay was another shock for me. I had to go along with a lot of things I didn't want to do for the sake of my health, and at the end of it, when I was finally home, it took a long time to realize that it almost felt like surviving torture in a way. There were so many instances of people invading my space, invading my body, when if I had a clear and total choice, I would've said no. I remember the night before my surgery daydreaming about running away with my boyfriend, joking about it, focusing so hard on it that I was wishing I really could do it.
One of the tests they tried to do to me ended up being terminated early. They said they couldn't do it on me. But it was a very upsetting and violating experience, and I think about it more often than I wish I did. The hospital billed me for it. We caught it in the itemized bill and tried to dispute it. My mom and I called the hospital billing over 15 times. It went to collections three times total. I tried so hard not to pay it.
Eventually I went to my insurance and tried to appeal the charge. Last month, I got the appeal decision back. They upheld the hospital billing. The reasoning they used made it clear they did not read the page and a half I wrote in my appeal paperwork--they wrote as if they thought I was trying to dispute the entire hospital stay. At one point, even saying a phrase like "We understand, we do."
I think ever since my surgery, I've been dealing with a lot of pain in a lot of different forms. I think I was a kind of sad and depressive person before the surgery, but now it's like it's evolved.
It's hard to explain, because I feel like someone like my boyfriend for instance doesn't understand a strange duality with it. I can be happy and light on the surface and make a cute blog and use cute gifs, I can make jokes and laugh, but it's like this pain and sadness is inside me now. It's like the doctor that broke the news to me injected me with it and now it's all mixed into my blood. A storm cloud that follows me everywhere. Inescapable. Always lurking underneath. Idk.
I got a sweet haul from the library this past weekend and wanted to show them off.
1. The Silent Patient
The cover is great but this copy felt like it was older than I am
This is the book I came to the library for. I had it on hold and picked it up. My friend told me about it and said (spoiler?) it has a twist. I know some people consider simply knowing that the story has a twist as a spoiler, but I kind of like knowing there's a twist because it keeps me engaged in what might otherwise be a bit of an underwhelming.
In full honesty, I just finished this book today. And (spoiler) the twist was indeed good.
Although the writing was a little bland, it was a super fast read with very short chapters, and the intrigue keeps you going. It's fun. Apparently it's going to be a movie with Anne Hathaway? Exciting.
2. We Can Do Hard Things
I've never heard of this book before or anything. It just caught my eye because like look at it. It's eye-catching. It's cute. It's a good vibe book. I like the title. I opened it up and flipped around and it looks unique and eye-catching inside. I'm excited to try it out.
fun text
3. A Glitch in the Matrix
I've seen this book somewhere before (don't remember where; I've seen a lot of books in a lot of places) and it sounded interesting.
I thought it was cute that it's an influencer that talks about this stuff, seems like they're passionate about it. I like reading Reddit stories too and I've read a few spooky r/GlitchInTheMatrix stories before and they're pretty weird and freaky sometimes. So a whole book of them? Sure, sounds cool. I'm interested to see if they're just stories that people directly posted on Reddit or if there's some extra editing and commentary.
4. Clamor
Going to the library, I told myself that I'd only get 3 books. I have to set these limits for myself but it can be hard because my little rat brain tells me I need to get all the books immediately or else I'll combust.
Anyways, I broke my limit but just by this one book. I mention it in an earlier post but I've been feeling more lately like the world has become so loud, mentally and visually and in a bunch of weird subconscious ways that I don't actively think about. Not sure if this book is going to explore any of those, maybe it just literally means like physical(? is it physical? auditory) maybe it just literally means like auditory noise and only auditory noise.
But we'll see! I'm pretty hyped about these choices, I think they're each fun in their own ways.
CURRENT RAT EVENTS
It feels like work chewed me up and spat me out today. I think I did my best today and it kind of wasn't enough. One of those days. Now I'm just watching the wedding episodes of Love is Blind with my bf.
The Empress (upright)--Beauty, abundance, growth, maybelline.
When we bought our tickets, it was only our two seats and two seats in the very first row that were taken. So when we walked in at 5 pm and it was packed, I thought we walked into the wrong theater. Kids were everywhere.
The taken seats randomly turned into lizards after we bought our tickets (this was at 11 am)
We had to squeeze past three recliners, all full, one of which the adult of the group had taken off his shoes and was raw doggin his feet in the air, no socks. Intimidating for me. I think when I sat down it took me a solid 15 minutes to get my heart rate down.
lizard lizard lizard lizard lizard (at 5 pm)
The movie was cute. I think Turning Red still hit me harder, but the humor of Hoppers felt stronger overall. And the animation was adorable. Mabel was a cute protagonist and I liked her relationship with her Grandma. I also liked that she was 19, that's surprisingly old for a Disney/Pixar protagonist in my opinion!
I love him
The climax was absolutely hilarious and Dave Franco went absolutely nuts in the recording booth (good for him).
One thing that surprised me is how quiet the theater was. It was full of kids, so I assumed it was going to be a loud showing. But the kids only laughed at one joke where all the animals were yelling and screaming over each other.
I feel like when I used to go to the theaters, people were sometimes jerks, but not always. Like sometimes someone would pull out their phone a few times, and if it was annoying you'd be like, "Hey, can you please put that away" after like 20 minutes of hyping yourself up and picturing them reacting in the worst way. And then they would put it away.
My worst story was some couple brought a really young kid into John Wick 4 and gave him a phone to play some app with no headphones, and I think the kid got bored of John Wick and kept turning the volume up until it was blaring. That used to be my worst story.
But it's strange, in the last couple of weeks, I've gone to the theater twice and at Project Hail Mary a guy kept pulling out his phone at full brightness and Hoppers today there was a guy bare footing it who took a call during the climax. At FNAF 2, some dude talked the entire time. Is it just me or are audiences getting worse? It used to be every now and then, but these days, it's almost a certainty.
CURRENT RAT EVENTS
Current rat hobby: I am like 20 pages from finishing The Silent Patient.
Current rat worry: Work -_-
Can people at work please do any tasks on their own? I swear I feel like the only person that is working on my entire team... Someone is helping me with a task and they were told it needs to be finished pretty much as soon as possible. Guess what, not only did they never finish it, but they never even started on it. My manager said, "Oh, that's fine. We'll just push that then, they're busy." We can't push it, it needs to be done ASAP! Am I the only person at my job that understands what ASAP means? I feel like I'm going slightly insane.
The Fool (upright)--Beginnings, spontaneity, leaps of faith.
Lately, I've been really enjoying audiobooks, which is new for me. I've tried to get into audiobooks in the past and failed, and whenever I heard someone talk about a good audiobook, I'd think something like: Good for them, but not for me.
It started when I put timers on some of my apps, like Instagram and Reddit. I already had timers on them, but I went from 20 mins on weekdays and 40 mins on weekends to just 10 minutes for every day. I didn't think this would have a huge effect on me, after all, I already had a timer on them, but it did.
There would be times I'd be sitting around, timer already up, feeling bored. Trying to figure out what to do. And I guess all the times sitting around quietly made returning to those apps feel even louder.
I'd open Instagram and suddenly everyone is delivering their lines at me in over the top yelling, telling me what products to buy, what I should feel about a recent event, what exercises I need to do to maintain mobility by the time I'm 70, or asking me to comment something to get a DM with the link. Same with Youtube and Reddit: people speaking loudly and making me feel like I couldn't even think. I had never noticed it before, or maybe I was able to resist feeling pulled and stretched around (probably not that one honestly).
Anyways, I was craving something calmer than that. I had heard good things about the Project Hail Mary audiobook--only good things, actually (do I italicize if the book title is for an audiobook?) I read the book last year but the movie was coming out soon and I wanted a refresher, and the bonus to it being a book I've already read meant that if I missed a sentence or two I wouldn't be completely lost.
I actually really dig the poster. Probably related to that: I also really like Ryan Gosling.
So all the moments where in the past I would've put on a Youtube video or mindlessly browsed Instagram, I would instead put on my audiobook, and after awhile, the thing I really noticed was how much quieter it felt. Instead of influencers and content creators clamoring over themselves to grab and hold my monetized attention, feeling like every application was pushing and pulling me around, I felt nothing there. A silence. Nobody trying to sell me something, nobody trying to influence me. Silence.
It was lovely. Would recommend.
(I saw the movie and the book was better, which isn't a huge surprise. The movie did add some great ideas that I liked, like having video logs be a thing, having Project Hail Mary mission hats, and letting Carl have more of a presence, but the book was maybe my favorite book of 2025, so it was going to be hard to beat.)
CURRENT RAT EVENTS
Current rat hobby: Reading The Silent Patient and constructing a planner I'll actually use.
Current rat worry: Work. Work work work. Work! Work...
Woke up full body sore today, but worked really hard. (Worked over the weekend too--for free! I'm that much of a dummy.) I did a full 30 minutes of yoga, I showered already last night, I have lunch and breakfast ready for tomorrow, and I already sent off my query to my coworker, created my PR for my other project. Even took a 40 min nap after work, read about 40 pages of my book already, and it's only 7:30. What does this mean? I think it means that for the first time in like two weeks I can sit here and feel okay. I mean, there's still a million horrible things over my head, looming like ugly rainclouds--my insurance appeal was denied, my remaining ovary is throbbing in a concerning way, and a guy in the PHM screening pulled out his phone on full brightness out three times. Listing these out side by side is a little funny because one is real dumb.
Five of Wands (reversed)--Inner conflict, conflict avoidance, confusion.
I am a serial incompletionist. It's taken me a lot of therapy to realize this lol.
I think something I've learned a lot about myself lately is how I react to discomfort, realizing I'm very sensitive to it. An unfortunate byproduct of being sensitive to discomfort is doing nothing, because everything has some degree of discomfort.
Things as small as going to the movies, answering phone calls, and coming back full circle to my first sentence: finishing things. Not finishing projects might be under the umbrella of common. But I have also realized how little I finish in terms of books, tv shows, and especially video games.
I've been thinking a lot about this year laid out ahead of me (Year of the Horse woo) and how I want to really change during it. 2024, I went through a very serious trauma at the end of it. 2025, I was healing from it in more ways than one, and now that the waters have settled somewhat, I think on 2026. For me, I think I want 2026 to be my year of discomfort and my year of finishing things I've started (aka also discomfort).
There are some bigger goals I want, like to seriously jump into some crazy hobbies and travel more, but on a smaller scale, I want to finish things.
Anyways, the other day I made a list of games I've started and not finished (but want to!) and I've been pontificating over how to tackle it. I thought it would be nice to write them here as I've been kind of using my blog as a bit of a journal, and I'm really hoping to come back at the end of the year and see where I was and track my progress.
Here is my list in no particular order:
Detroit Become Human
Expedition 33
Loddlenaut kind of
Resident Evil 2
It Takes Two
Cyberpunk
Little Kitty Big City
Baldur's Gate 3
Cat Cafe Manager
Monster Hunter Stories Wings of Ruin 2
Hades
Red Dead Redemption 2
Disco Elysium
The Coma 2 Vicious Sisters
Carrion
Sunset Overdrive
The Witcher 3
Okami
Paper Mario and the Thousand Year Door
Ori and the Blind Forest
Devil May Cry 5
Night in the Woods
Yoshi's Island DS
I had all of this written on a tiny little list and writing it all out and seeing it take the full screen is a bit daunting.
Maybe I'll add all of them to a randomized wheel and spin it to pick which one to start on. Or maybe I'll just do a kind of... last in, first out method? Tackle the ones I started the most recently first.
CURRENT RAT EVENTS
Not a huge fan of Daylight Savings. Windows fucked me on a failed update and I ended up having to reinstall. I'm still picking up the pieces of my PC. It ate half of today. The drain is clogged too (or something, not sure what), the disposal won't run. The dishwasher is connected to the disposal drain, so running it means this nasty un-disposed food water comes out of the drain, meaning the dishwasher is sitting full and has been since it broke. What does all of this mean? The kitchen stinks like old food. It's a horrible smell. I was unable to do my meal prep today like I normally do. This weekend was supposed to be relaxing and then all this happened. I have a work deadline due this week. I'm stressed.
