I've always wanted to learn a second language. Honestly, I've wanted to learn more than that.
I kind of want to learn Spanish, but I also kind of don't. I'd like to learn Korean and Japanese. And ASL. And maybe French because it sounds fantastic.
Anyways, according to the U.S. State Department's Foreign Service Institute, Japanese (and Korean) are a Category V language. Category V means it "usually takes 88 weeks or 2,200 hours to reach S-3/R-3 proficiency" (S is Speaking, R is Reading, and 3 means "Able to speak (or read) the language with sufficient structural accuracy and vocabulary to participate effectively in most formal and informal conversations in practical, social and professional topics.")
I feel like I can recognize quite a few Japanese words while watching anime but I guess they tend to use basic terms a lot of the time (especially in slice of life shows like My Dress-Up Darling)
Intimidating, yes. I've found Reddit threads of people disagreeing with this. "I read a post here a few weeks ago where somebody said they’ve been learning Japanese for 21 years and even they have moments where they feel like they don’t even know the language," someone says. "I've been studying Japanese for 10 years at various levels of intensity, but I've well eclipsed the 4000 hour mark and at best I'm of intermediate skill level," someone else says.
Ultra intimidating, ultra yes.
It's interesting to break things down like that though. I mean, 2,200 hours is insane. There are 8,760 hours in a year, 5,475 hours if you subtract 9 hours a night for sleep. 2,200 is almost half that time.
It makes me wonder, how many hours does it take to get proficient in other things too? And how many hours have I put in those?
I've been really happy with how I've been spending my 2026 tbh. I've been jumping into a lot of new hobbies and breaking bad habits of how I spent my time. I coworker bullied me into signing up for a marathon, so that will give me something to work towards fitness-wise, which I simultaneously dread and feel good about. I've been learning a bit of ASL and honestly I don't think that is anywhere near 2,200 hours haha.
How do you allocate your hours and how do you decide to spend your time? And idk, it's big to take on a project like language learning knowing up-front you won't get to a level of clear understanding in a year or even two. Time is kind of the only commodity we have at the end of the day, and learning to balance it is a skill maybe most of us will never master.
CURRENT RAT EVENTS
Was my weekend a good weekend? I honestly couldn't tell you.
Five of Pentacles (reversed)--End of difficult times, improvement, recovery.
Hello, welcome to my parlor. I see you're admiring the tokens on my shelf. All have frightfully fearful origins, I'm afraid. And soon, you will be afraid too! As I go through each item and tell you the positively horrifying tale behind each, it's possible your young heart will--
Oh, you're over twenty-two and you're out of college? Okay, don't look at those horrors, come over here to the mundane wall.
Stand right--over a little, over a little... Riiiight, here. NOW! Wait, sorry. Feet on the yellow circle please. The circle. On the floor. I'm pointing at it, I'm pointing at it--yes. Thank you. Sorry, it's an insurance thing. Anyways.
NOW! Now you will know true fear! Quake in your worn out pair of reasonably priced Costco sneakers that are slightly the wrong size but you feel anxiety about returning even though Costco is notoriously good at returns!
Your latest read is a nearly 80k word long Soap Ghost fanfic that you can't tell anyone about?
Your coworker likes to read the same books as you too, and she's been asking more and more questions about what books you've been reading lately. How are you going to tell her the last novel-length work you've read is a fanfic of two of the most alpha fictional men that have ever existed falling deeply in love with each other? She's over thirty, from India, with a child and husband--she will not comprehend what a "COD" is. Enjoy hearing her say, "Ghost, what is that?" in your NIGHTMARES!
Is your coworker just nice or does he want to talk to you outside of work?
What's that? Your cool helpful remote coworker is really nice and funny and you enjoy talking to him? You'd like to ask for his Discord to hang out with him outside of work? Enjoy building up the infinite courage to do that! He probably just sat in those calls for hours with you because he's nice!
You have two pairs of work pants -- can anyone tell you only have two??
Pants are expensive and painful, and two pairs have served you well for two years. Let's be real, you still feel like a kid playing dress up each morning, so the idea of dropping a lot of money on a professional wardrobe feels like counting chickens. But it's okay, no one can tell that's just two pairs of the same slacks in different colors... OR CAN THEY?
Putting a bleach tablet in the toilet tank -- did you sprinkle bleach all over the floor and now your skin will slough off?
Nice attempt at being clean, except... did that package just sprinkle microscopic pieces of concentrated ultra-bleach all over the floor and toilet seat? What if someone eats off of that? THEY'LL EXPLODE. Have fun trying to sleep tonight without that image in your head.
Was that salad you ate on Monday abnormally wet or was that a normal wet?
Gosh, what a nice salad. And you added carrots and chicken tenders? Wow, that's really nice. Too bad the salad leaves are sopping wet, right out of the bag. Did whoever bag this just skip a drying step, or are they normally this wet? It's a new bag you just opened so you don't want to toss it, so enjoy eating that and wondering if every cramp for the next three days are the cold talons of the wet salad reaching for you from beyond the grave.
You just got your first dye job but now you're worried you'll lose your job before your second session?
Wow, your hair looks really nice! Finally pulled the trigger on that dye job, huh? That's fun. Except you're reminded of the impermanence of employment in America and now you're feeling like a jackass for spending anything and keep thinking of a reality where you get laid off before turning your hair into the color you actually wanted. MWAHAHAHA!
Look at it! Gaze upon the mundane horrors and see them gazing back at you! Truly the mundane are more horrifying, more terrifying, more dreadful than any wild nightmare of the imagination!
CURRENT RAT EVENTS
Haven't killed the mint yet. Almost did a few weeks ago. But then I watered it, trimmed off the dead leaves, and it stabilized. It's pretty green now, so I haven't killed it yet. I think it does whatever the mint equivalent of sweating is when it sees me coming with its little beady mint eyes.
Eight of Wands (upright)--Movement, action, speed.
Layoffs. No other word is as scary to a corporate rat just trying to make it in this world. That and PIP. I think statistically, everyone is fired/laid off at some point in their lives. It's one of those great equalizers--beast and man, we all walk out with a cardboard box at some point.
Anyways, they happened again. Layoffs. They seem to come around every few months, about once a year we'll get hit by some heavy ones. But they're a bit like a hail storm, you kind of bunker down, focus on your hands gripping the steering wheel, and before you know it, it's passed. You drive home observing the damage in a kind of touristy shock, but you're happy you're safe and home.
Casting elongated similes aside, we had layoffs today. I wasn't affected, in the sense that my things can stay at my desk. But everyone I like at the office was affected. It's almost like if I had any joy at seeing them, corporate put a black mark on their name and gave them the axe. Some even go beyond the chains of coworkers and became my friends, real life friends. All gone.
I'm pretty low on the totem pole of problems in this, I'll admit that. Oh wah, at least you have a job. But I feel very deeply for my friends and coworkers, and I cry for them. It's tragic. I saw them/spoke to them five days a week for the past three and (almost) a half years. Tomorrow, this rat will swipe her badge and scurry into the office and all the desks around her will be empty. I expect their stuff will still be there like some kind of ghoulish living memorial. There's a part of me that feels sad that I will have no one to talk to anymore, but the larger part is sad for them.
This corporate world will chew you up, use you up, and spit you out. The great layoff hammer will surely descend on me one day.
Anyways, here's the music I've been listening to on repeat lately.
"Ice In My OJ" by Hayley Williams
Ms. Williams is so fucking cool. I feel like she's made her money, she doesn't really need to try that hard anymore, and I want to believe that she makes music for the love of making music. She's certainly still got a lot to say, some of which on her most recent solo album is actually a bit shocking or illuminating, like her songs "True Believer" on her thoughts on religion and "Mirtazapine", named after her medication.
"Ice In My OJ" is short but ear-catching, especially for its chorus of her screaming "I'm in a band! I'm in a band!" over and over that seems more in place in a screamo song. Her delivery of the rest is almost a bit gentle, a bit thoughtful, which contrasts the sudden energy of the screaming well. It's two minutes long, what have you got to lose?
"Ur Mum" & "Piece of Shit" by Wet Leg
Wet Leg has been my four wet legs during my difficult past two weeks or so. Idk if that makes sense, trying to say they've supported me through some tough rat times. I've listened to their two albums a few times over, I could recommend any songs here because they are truly nearly all so strong and fun.
Wet Leg has this kind of casual vibe to their songs, as if it doesn't matter to them if anybody hears it or not. And their lyrical choices are really strange sometimes, in a cute, poetic way. And when they're mad, the lyrics become biting. "Piece of Shit", "Ur Mum", "mangetout" all give this kind of "fuck you, man" energy. It's like if your friends younger sister had the fucking coolest garage band you've ever heard in your life. I love them, it really feels like they don't give a shit what I or anyone else thinks.
"party 4 u" by Charli xcx
You know "party 4 u". Your mom knows "party 4 u". Your dog knows "party 4 u" and has seen the music video too. If you didn't know "party 4 u", I'd shit in my hand.
I used to only hear it in Instagram reels, the sad ones about like unrequited love, and at the time I didn't really get it. And I didn't get Charli xcx. A bit weird, I thought.
It's so unique though, the vibe of it is simultaneously electronic dance but with lyrics as sad and soulful as a classic country song (imagine if the kids that did "The Spark" took a crack at Brooks & Dunn's "Neon Moon"). Everyone has felt this way at some point, that feeling of making an effort for someone and wanting so badly for them to show up for you, to do the bare minimum ("Hey, maybe attend this whole fucking party I threw for you") and having them not show up. There's a few songs that will play and they'll just pick up my brain like a claw in a claw machine and take it away for 4 minutes 56 seconds and I'll enter this daze of just feeling it so hard. Like musical drugs. This song is one of those.
"Liz" by Remi Wolf
"Shoo, shut up... Shoo, shut up... Shoo, shut up" is such a good little doo-wop type vocalization to open the song with. Remi Wolf for me feels like almost a bit of a dark horse, she has this chaotic energy that is hard to pin down. Partially because she has these energetic, electronic-tinged songs like "Photo ID" or "wyd", the type of songs that have you dancing; then she has these songs at a slightly slower bpm like "Toro" and "Anthony Kiedis" that have you humming; and then bam, she hands you fucking "Liz".
"Liz" feels pretty different from her other songs, like I'm not sure I could put it in a box with those. It's a bit soulful, and if you try to sing along to it you'll feel like a dumbass because Miss Wolf sings her fucking heart out. She's really trying to get that voice up to the rafters, and at the end of it, it feels like we all know Liz a little bit better.
"Beggin'" by Maneskin
I think this song really blew up a few years ago. Did you know it has like 2 billion listens on Spotify? Because I did not. So yeah, you know "Beggin'", your mom knows "Beggin'", dog, etc. all that.
But it got big for a reason, because it's fucking good.
"Doing Really Well Thanks" by Ellie Bleach
I love "Doing Really Well Thanks" because you know what it's about, you don't have to look up the meaning or anything. It's like that feeling of watching a movie where the pure character falls from grace and you are holding this anxiety in your stomach, but in a 4 minute 43 second long song.
The song walks a tightrope of begging you and judging you, "please don't tell them how I am" but also "I've done awful things for money but you've all done worse for free". I love that you can hear the distress and panic in the singer's voice, but at the end she still strongly sticks by the stance of not needing help, saying "I do not need ya help, thanks, I'm doing really well, thanks". This song is a simulation of trying to talk to someone and help them on something they simply do not want to discuss with you. Is it going to end well for them? Probably not. But it's their choice and you just have to listen to them dissolve into more insistent objections. (If you listen to it on repeat, the manic laughter at the beginning takes on a creepier feel.)
"After Last Night" by Silk Sonic
Silk Sonic is the rare band that can claim to have all hits. Granted, they only have ten songs, but ALL HITS. I've gone through my "Leave the Door Open" era. I've gone through my "Skate" era. My "Smokin Out The Window", my "Fly As Me" eras. In the book of An Evening With Silk Sonic, that leaves me square in my "After Last Night" era.
Words will probably fail to capture how fucking good this and all other listed songs are. You will have to chain yourself down to keep from dancing and grooving. Silk Sonic is like that music video from Mars Argo where their music makes the test subjects uncontrollably dance, which might be a bad example because I have never felt the urge to uncontrollably dance to "Using You" by Mars Argo. (It's a good song but not really dance song imo)
"あぶく" by Yorushika
I haven't seen Liar Game, I know nothing about it, but I'm pretty pissed at it for fumbling such a good OP as this song could deliver. It's perfect for an energetic, high tempo anime intro. Don't look it up, it will only hurt you...
"あぶく" (or "Bubble") tells a story. A story you can't understand because you don't understand Japanese (presumably; perhaps I'm speaking more for myself here). It lays some almost subtly jazzy groundwork with the first few lines, then explodes into an untouchable energy, layering instruments over instruments that aren't afraid to fade into near-silence to build that tension up all over again.
The song? Phenomenal. The music video? Indescribable. Honestly makes you a little mad for the music videos that are just artists mouthing along to the words of the song, because the music video tells a story, one that you probably can understand because the visuals aren't in Japanese.
Honestly, I love the blogs that are really cute, that are light and fluffy. I've noticed that when I'm reading social media, or even books, movies, tv shows, etc. I trend towards the ones that aren't depressing. I've never really connected with the type of readers who say they want to read books that make them feel dead inside--a sentiment I thought was a myth until I saw a Reel on it awhile ago.
But I think I have to admit something disappointing to myself: I think I've been sugarcoating this. I think I've been trying really hard not to let the depressing side of myself taint and overtake the positive and lighthearted stuff I've been wanting to post.
I had this idea that at the end of the year, I'd be able to look through everything and have it act as a time capsule, so I think I wanted to capture things in a light, easy tone and feel good about myself, and make content I knew I'd be the type to enjoy. But in a way, it feels disingenuous.
Having never really grew up writing a blog, I still haven't come to a conclusion about what is a blog? or why does one blog? The best thing I've come up with lately is it's either like... a newsletter you write to anyone interested or it's the written equivalent of "hey, look at this cool thing, let me share it with you." I don't want to share a depressing or concerning newsletter, but I am honestly and transparently, at my very near to my core, a depressed individual in many ways. To check this blog at the end of the year and it only being happy painted on smiles would be a blog that doesn't actually capture me completely.
About a year and a half ago, I had a major surgery. I never thought anything like what happened would happen to me. It was a total shock. That night in the ER where the doctor told me they found a mass in my abdomen felt like the guillotine that sprang down and cut my life into two pieces: pre-tumor and post-tumor. Both were/are messes, but in different ways, and post-tumor was a beast I was never and may never be equipped for.
My hospital stay was another shock for me. I had to go along with a lot of things I didn't want to do for the sake of my health, and at the end of it, when I was finally home, it took a long time to realize that it almost felt like surviving torture in a way. There were so many instances of people invading my space, invading my body, when if I had a clear and total choice, I would've said no. I remember the night before my surgery daydreaming about running away with my boyfriend, joking about it, focusing so hard on it that I was wishing I really could do it.
One of the tests they tried to do to me ended up being terminated early. They said they couldn't do it on me. But it was a very upsetting and violating experience, and I think about it more often than I wish I did. The hospital billed me for it. We caught it in the itemized bill and tried to dispute it. My mom and I called the hospital billing over 15 times. It went to collections three times total. I tried so hard not to pay it.
Eventually I went to my insurance and tried to appeal the charge. Last month, I got the appeal decision back. They upheld the hospital billing. The reasoning they used made it clear they did not read the page and a half I wrote in my appeal paperwork--they wrote as if they thought I was trying to dispute the entire hospital stay. At one point, even saying a phrase like "We understand, we do."
I think ever since my surgery, I've been dealing with a lot of pain in a lot of different forms. I think I was a kind of sad and depressive person before the surgery, but now it's like it's evolved.
It's hard to explain, because I feel like someone like my boyfriend for instance doesn't understand a strange duality with it. I can be happy and light on the surface and make a cute blog and use cute gifs, I can make jokes and laugh, but it's like this pain and sadness is inside me now. It's like the doctor that broke the news to me injected me with it and now it's all mixed into my blood. A storm cloud that follows me everywhere. Inescapable. Always lurking underneath. Idk.
I got a sweet haul from the library this past weekend and wanted to show them off.
1. The Silent Patient
The cover is great but this copy felt like it was older than I am
This is the book I came to the library for. I had it on hold and picked it up. My friend told me about it and said (spoiler?) it has a twist. I know some people consider simply knowing that the story has a twist as a spoiler, but I kind of like knowing there's a twist because it keeps me engaged in what might otherwise be a bit of an underwhelming.
In full honesty, I just finished this book today. And (spoiler) the twist was indeed good.
Although the writing was a little bland, it was a super fast read with very short chapters, and the intrigue keeps you going. It's fun. Apparently it's going to be a movie with Anne Hathaway? Exciting.
2. We Can Do Hard Things
I've never heard of this book before or anything. It just caught my eye because like look at it. It's eye-catching. It's cute. It's a good vibe book. I like the title. I opened it up and flipped around and it looks unique and eye-catching inside. I'm excited to try it out.
fun text
3. A Glitch in the Matrix
I've seen this book somewhere before (don't remember where; I've seen a lot of books in a lot of places) and it sounded interesting.
I thought it was cute that it's an influencer that talks about this stuff, seems like they're passionate about it. I like reading Reddit stories too and I've read a few spooky r/GlitchInTheMatrix stories before and they're pretty weird and freaky sometimes. So a whole book of them? Sure, sounds cool. I'm interested to see if they're just stories that people directly posted on Reddit or if there's some extra editing and commentary.
4. Clamor
Going to the library, I told myself that I'd only get 3 books. I have to set these limits for myself but it can be hard because my little rat brain tells me I need to get all the books immediately or else I'll combust.
Anyways, I broke my limit but just by this one book. I mention it in an earlier post but I've been feeling more lately like the world has become so loud, mentally and visually and in a bunch of weird subconscious ways that I don't actively think about. Not sure if this book is going to explore any of those, maybe it just literally means like physical(? is it physical? auditory) maybe it just literally means like auditory noise and only auditory noise.
But we'll see! I'm pretty hyped about these choices, I think they're each fun in their own ways.
CURRENT RAT EVENTS
It feels like work chewed me up and spat me out today. I think I did my best today and it kind of wasn't enough. One of those days. Now I'm just watching the wedding episodes of Love is Blind with my bf.
The Empress (upright)--Beauty, abundance, growth, maybelline.
When we bought our tickets, it was only our two seats and two seats in the very first row that were taken. So when we walked in at 5 pm and it was packed, I thought we walked into the wrong theater. Kids were everywhere.
The taken seats randomly turned into lizards after we bought our tickets (this was at 11 am)
We had to squeeze past three recliners, all full, one of which the adult of the group had taken off his shoes and was raw doggin his feet in the air, no socks. Intimidating for me. I think when I sat down it took me a solid 15 minutes to get my heart rate down.
lizard lizard lizard lizard lizard (at 5 pm)
The movie was cute. I think Turning Red still hit me harder, but the humor of Hoppers felt stronger overall. And the animation was adorable. Mabel was a cute protagonist and I liked her relationship with her Grandma. I also liked that she was 19, that's surprisingly old for a Disney/Pixar protagonist in my opinion!
I love him
The climax was absolutely hilarious and Dave Franco went absolutely nuts in the recording booth (good for him).
One thing that surprised me is how quiet the theater was. It was full of kids, so I assumed it was going to be a loud showing. But the kids only laughed at one joke where all the animals were yelling and screaming over each other.
I feel like when I used to go to the theaters, people were sometimes jerks, but not always. Like sometimes someone would pull out their phone a few times, and if it was annoying you'd be like, "Hey, can you please put that away" after like 20 minutes of hyping yourself up and picturing them reacting in the worst way. And then they would put it away.
My worst story was some couple brought a really young kid into John Wick 4 and gave him a phone to play some app with no headphones, and I think the kid got bored of John Wick and kept turning the volume up until it was blaring. That used to be my worst story.
But it's strange, in the last couple of weeks, I've gone to the theater twice and at Project Hail Mary a guy kept pulling out his phone at full brightness and Hoppers today there was a guy bare footing it who took a call during the climax. At FNAF 2, some dude talked the entire time. Is it just me or are audiences getting worse? It used to be every now and then, but these days, it's almost a certainty.
CURRENT RAT EVENTS
Current rat hobby: I am like 20 pages from finishing The Silent Patient.
Current rat worry: Work -_-
Can people at work please do any tasks on their own? I swear I feel like the only person that is working on my entire team... Someone is helping me with a task and they were told it needs to be finished pretty much as soon as possible. Guess what, not only did they never finish it, but they never even started on it. My manager said, "Oh, that's fine. We'll just push that then, they're busy." We can't push it, it needs to be done ASAP! Am I the only person at my job that understands what ASAP means? I feel like I'm going slightly insane.
The Fool (upright)--Beginnings, spontaneity, leaps of faith.
Lately, I've been really enjoying audiobooks, which is new for me. I've tried to get into audiobooks in the past and failed, and whenever I heard someone talk about a good audiobook, I'd think something like: Good for them, but not for me.
It started when I put timers on some of my apps, like Instagram and Reddit. I already had timers on them, but I went from 20 mins on weekdays and 40 mins on weekends to just 10 minutes for every day. I didn't think this would have a huge effect on me, after all, I already had a timer on them, but it did.
There would be times I'd be sitting around, timer already up, feeling bored. Trying to figure out what to do. And I guess all the times sitting around quietly made returning to those apps feel even louder.
I'd open Instagram and suddenly everyone is delivering their lines at me in over the top yelling, telling me what products to buy, what I should feel about a recent event, what exercises I need to do to maintain mobility by the time I'm 70, or asking me to comment something to get a DM with the link. Same with Youtube and Reddit: people speaking loudly and making me feel like I couldn't even think. I had never noticed it before, or maybe I was able to resist feeling pulled and stretched around (probably not that one honestly).
Anyways, I was craving something calmer than that. I had heard good things about the Project Hail Mary audiobook--only good things, actually (do I italicize if the book title is for an audiobook?) I read the book last year but the movie was coming out soon and I wanted a refresher, and the bonus to it being a book I've already read meant that if I missed a sentence or two I wouldn't be completely lost.
I actually really dig the poster. Probably related to that: I also really like Ryan Gosling.
So all the moments where in the past I would've put on a Youtube video or mindlessly browsed Instagram, I would instead put on my audiobook, and after awhile, the thing I really noticed was how much quieter it felt. Instead of influencers and content creators clamoring over themselves to grab and hold my monetized attention, feeling like every application was pushing and pulling me around, I felt nothing there. A silence. Nobody trying to sell me something, nobody trying to influence me. Silence.
It was lovely. Would recommend.
(I saw the movie and the book was better, which isn't a huge surprise. The movie did add some great ideas that I liked, like having video logs be a thing, having Project Hail Mary mission hats, and letting Carl have more of a presence, but the book was maybe my favorite book of 2025, so it was going to be hard to beat.)
CURRENT RAT EVENTS
Current rat hobby: Reading The Silent Patient and constructing a planner I'll actually use.
Current rat worry: Work. Work work work. Work! Work...
Woke up full body sore today, but worked really hard. (Worked over the weekend too--for free! I'm that much of a dummy.) I did a full 30 minutes of yoga, I showered already last night, I have lunch and breakfast ready for tomorrow, and I already sent off my query to my coworker, created my PR for my other project. Even took a 40 min nap after work, read about 40 pages of my book already, and it's only 7:30. What does this mean? I think it means that for the first time in like two weeks I can sit here and feel okay. I mean, there's still a million horrible things over my head, looming like ugly rainclouds--my insurance appeal was denied, my remaining ovary is throbbing in a concerning way, and a guy in the PHM screening pulled out his phone on full brightness out three times. Listing these out side by side is a little funny because one is real dumb.
Five of Wands (reversed)--Inner conflict, conflict avoidance, confusion.
I am a serial incompletionist. It's taken me a lot of therapy to realize this lol.
I think something I've learned a lot about myself lately is how I react to discomfort, realizing I'm very sensitive to it. An unfortunate byproduct of being sensitive to discomfort is doing nothing, because everything has some degree of discomfort.
Things as small as going to the movies, answering phone calls, and coming back full circle to my first sentence: finishing things. Not finishing projects might be under the umbrella of common. But I have also realized how little I finish in terms of books, tv shows, and especially video games.
I've been thinking a lot about this year laid out ahead of me (Year of the Horse woo) and how I want to really change during it. 2024, I went through a very serious trauma at the end of it. 2025, I was healing from it in more ways than one, and now that the waters have settled somewhat, I think on 2026. For me, I think I want 2026 to be my year of discomfort and my year of finishing things I've started (aka also discomfort).
There are some bigger goals I want, like to seriously jump into some crazy hobbies and travel more, but on a smaller scale, I want to finish things.
Anyways, the other day I made a list of games I've started and not finished (but want to!) and I've been pontificating over how to tackle it. I thought it would be nice to write them here as I've been kind of using my blog as a bit of a journal, and I'm really hoping to come back at the end of the year and see where I was and track my progress.
Here is my list in no particular order:
Detroit Become Human
Expedition 33
Loddlenaut kind of
Resident Evil 2
It Takes Two
Cyberpunk
Little Kitty Big City
Baldur's Gate 3
Cat Cafe Manager
Monster Hunter Stories Wings of Ruin 2
Hades
Red Dead Redemption 2
Disco Elysium
The Coma 2 Vicious Sisters
Carrion
Sunset Overdrive
The Witcher 3
Okami
Paper Mario and the Thousand Year Door
Ori and the Blind Forest
Devil May Cry 5
Night in the Woods
Yoshi's Island DS
I had all of this written on a tiny little list and writing it all out and seeing it take the full screen is a bit daunting.
Maybe I'll add all of them to a randomized wheel and spin it to pick which one to start on. Or maybe I'll just do a kind of... last in, first out method? Tackle the ones I started the most recently first.
CURRENT RAT EVENTS
Not a huge fan of Daylight Savings. Windows fucked me on a failed update and I ended up having to reinstall. I'm still picking up the pieces of my PC. It ate half of today. The drain is clogged too (or something, not sure what), the disposal won't run. The dishwasher is connected to the disposal drain, so running it means this nasty un-disposed food water comes out of the drain, meaning the dishwasher is sitting full and has been since it broke. What does all of this mean? The kitchen stinks like old food. It's a horrible smell. I was unable to do my meal prep today like I normally do. This weekend was supposed to be relaxing and then all this happened. I have a work deadline due this week. I'm stressed.
This week I made a "One-Pot Cheesy Orecchiette With Cabbage and Paprika". Do not ask me what an Orecchiette is. I do not know.
Leeks + onions
I feel like it was a little reminiscent of sauerkraut because of the cabbage, and I accidentally only put half the amount of cabbage the recipe called for in.
Barely pictured in the top left: the roasted zucchini/squash
There were definitely plenty of veggies made, I went the lazy route and just did some zucchini/squash and broccoli again, but my partner ate all of them (two full sheets of each).
Glad I tried this recipe but honestly it wasn't my favorite. My partner loved it so I told him to go crazy and I'll find something else to pack for the week.
CURRENT RAT EVENTS
Current fixation: Sourdough starters.
Current hobby: Sourdough starters?
Current worry: Still stressed about work.
I woke up super early today, by which I mean about the time I wake up on workdays. I fed my sourdough starter and I've been monitoring it closely. Once it peaks (if it peaks), I will make sourdough cookies :3
So Lunar New Year was a few days ago. Year of the Horse! Very exciting. Honestly the Year of the Snake was very kind to me, I feel like I crossed a huge distance.
Do you think the horse is like the horse from spirit stallion of the cimarron or like just a regular horse (image source)
I thought a lot about what kind of goals I'd like to set for the year, and I kind of like the idea of using the time between New Year's and Lunar New Year to brainstorm before putting them into effect. I have a vague list of things, but I've been feeling my goals already pulling me internally.
One of the biggest things (unfortunately, I think) is that I want to work to be more comfortable.
I've been learning so much about myself the past year, and one thing I've recently realized is that a lot scares me. Some things have always been scary to me, some things are new, but lately I've felt like they've been keeping me confined in a small box that I'm outgrowing.
A big thing is that I want to travel more, but it's probably one of my biggest fears. It's tough--I don't like feeling like the thing I want to do the most is also the thing that scares me the most; it's a very uncomfortable place to be in because no matter what direction I go, I'm unhappy (or uncomfortable) in some way. I'm definitely still figuring it out.
I want to make sure to feed a lion at the lion dance this year. I already checked and there will be some performances in town next Saturday. When I fed the lion last year, I had had a big traumatic medical event happen to me and at the time I was physically recovered but still mentally reeling. Watching the cute lions dance and then getting to feed them made me
feel lighter about the upcoming year, as if I was getting a protective layer of luck surrounding me.
Plus the red envelopes are super cute! As a stationary nerd, I kind of always love to go look at the designs and pick up a couple cute ones.
CURRENT RAT EVENTS
Current fixation: Figuring out what makes me uncomfortable.
Current hobby: Shrinking.
Current worry: I am working on three projects at work. Two are due in March. One is due in like June. Yesterday, I was stuck on a blocker all day and wrote maybe one line of code total. Idk if I can make these deadlines? I feel like no one has noticed that I have been put on three projects and am struggling and I feel like I can't tell people I'm struggling because it'll look bad. But also I'm frustrated because I'm on three projects and people are expecting me to do all this work with almost no help on some of these. Anyways.
We dressed up and went to a theater show today! I stressed about parking all morning but it was a nothing burger. The temp dropped so much and the wind picked up that we were eager to get home.
The Empress (reversed)--Creative block, insecurity, prompting re-examination.
I don't know why but I get very uncomfortable about traveling. I've always been like this.
However, I'm pleased to announce that this year, I have already traveled. My parents invited me to go with them to Universal Studios for the long weekend and I was so excited to join them, I knew I had to go along. And then... the days passed and the date of the plane ride came closer and closer, and I felt the dread sink up my body like a sponge soaking up water.
Anyways, I did it. It was actually pretty hard for me, but I somehow did it. I only cried on the plane a little.
Frost on the window
Universal is pretty weird because some of it kind of isn't worth it. It feels like a glorified Six Flags or run of the mill local amusement park. There's nothing really "deluxe" about some of the areas of the park, because some of them are old and show their age unfortunately.
I think one of the ways the old parks (Islands of Adventure and Universal Studios) show their age is in their approach to food. Like, I went to Disney a couple years ago and food was a big deal; they try to make really interesting or weird looking food because it could go viral and get more butts in the park. The old Universal parks don't really have this. They might have a couple things that are great or "famous" things to try, but it'll be like... "I heard the baked potatoes here are really good." Idk. I'm not going to go to Florida for a baked potato, no offense.
We did go to the new Epic park, which was pretty amazing in a lot of ways, and Epic definitely puts way more of an emphasis on food (which I think is a much more modern thing in theme parks). This is great in my opinion because I like food. Like many of you, I need to eat.
Some of my favorite/most photogenic items include the following.
The Monocane Mocktail from The Burning Blade Tavern
Monocane is from the 1933 film The Invisible Man. Honestly I just love a good mocktail and I really appreciate that they have a lot of non-alcoholic options because I don't want to walk around a theme park that I'm paying hundreds of dollars to be inside day-drunk, stumbling, and dehydrated (I get tipsy after like one drink).
I didn't realize it had edible glitter in it until my second one
The Hunter's Garlic Stake from The Burning Blade Tavern
Honestly it tastes like what you expect it to taste like but it's such a cute idea and visual that I wanted to include it.
Mt. Beanpole Cake from The Toadstool Cafe
I was a bit nervous ordering this because the top is matcha and as much as I wish I was a cool matcha girlie I am not. It tastes so earthy it's basically dirt (sorry). This was great though. I've honestly heard some pretty horrible things about the Toadstool Cafe food, and the other dish I got had something hard in it that got stuck in my tooth for the rest of the day. But this was good.
Traditional English Breakfast from The Three Broomsticks
This is from one of the older parks so it doesn't pop as much as some of the Epic stuff, but it's a really hearty breakfast. I'm not english so it was also fun to try a traditional english breakfast (beans?!) I probably should've ordered the child size because the child size one is still massive and it doesn't come with the blood sausage. As an American, blood sausage is crazy. I guess not crazy that it exists, but crazy that people eat it, because it tastes just like blood, probably because it's made with blood.
Classic Mac and Cheese from The Spit Fyre Grill
This one pisses me off so bad. We had an Incident ordering these where the mobile ordering app glitched while people not using the mobile ordering walked up to the window, ordered it traditionally, and walked away with their food. We even got kicked out of the mobile ordering line (yes there was a line to pick up mobile orders) because ours didn't say it was ready for pick up yet, even though the line was like 6 people long. Can you imagine pre-ordering your food so it's ready, only to watch people walk up, order it, and walk away with it? Also there's a line for the pre-ordered food! We stood there for 20 minutes before getting a refund.
But we really wanted it, so at the end of the night we slunk back with our tails between our legs like the consumer sheep we are and bought it again, and the app did not break this time.
And it makes me so mad because it was really good. Actually amazing. Yes, those are Gold Fish on top. Yes, they actually go amazingly with mac n cheese and I never knew that. It was crazy. My bf and I split this one and we were taking these massive bites just trying to fit the entire thing in our mouths.
Gaze upon it in equal parts anger and envy
We went back the next day and tried one with pork on top and it was even more amazing and even now, I wish I had one of these in my hands.
Doesn't this sound disgusting? I thought so. I hate that I liked it so much.
On one hand, I feel really brave for traveling. Having nothing go wrong while I was gone is maybe conditioning me to not freak out as much for when I do it again.
However, on the other hand, it sucks to have to fight my discomfort to try and do something like this, especially when it feels like a lot of people don't think twice about it. It can feel like climbing up a steep hill when the other people around me are taking a nice level stroll through a lovely park.
But I do think travel is important. I'm sure this is a bastardized version of it, but there's a quote from St. Augustine: "The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page." I do think there's some truth in that and so I want to try and travel more this year, which will honestly be very hard for me I think.
CURRENT RAT EVENTS
Current fixation: I think I'm between fixations atm.
Current hobby: Brainstorming scrapbooking my trip and also watching new things. Been trying new shows and movies this week.
Current worry: Expanding my "zone of discomfort". Basically doing uncomfortable things until they become more comfortable. But I guess the worry is how much that's going to suck. Also I left a little early today and another manager saw me and I think she doesn't like me so what if she fires me. Yesterday she kept coming up to my cube like she was looking for someone, like what if she was checking I was working? I just don't think she likes me kinda.
Went to the office. Got boba. Came home and did therapy. Currently debating making a big dinner or a lil small dinner.
Seven of Swords (upright)--theft, betrayal, self-preservation.
I like when posts have lots of bright photos but I'm not really as beautifully artistic as some of the other blogs I follow, so I had to sit back and think what else I do that can have lots of photos with pretty colors. I like cooking, I try to be good at it. I usually make one big meal once a week and this is my second week attempting meal prepping (actually sectioning off the food into pre-determined sizes so I don't overeat through the week), so come along with me on that I guess.
Full disclosure, I had a small breakdown before this cooking session about envelopes, so I started by making a soothing cup of chai. One of my coolest friends is actually from India and showed me how to make it, and I feel like I have this cool insider knowledge no one else has. It's always really good and makes me feel better, and I'm not sensitive to caffeine so I can have it at 4 pm like this.
It's technically out of date (Nov 2025) but I don't know if tea can really go bad (unless it is moldy--repeat, do not drink mold ty)
Anyways this is how I make the chai. I feel okay sharing it because no one reads my blog, so if you get this far consider this my gift to you.
1 c. milk
1 c. water
1-2 tsp chai
1 green cardamom pod
1-2 tsp sugar (but really to taste)
Dash of cinnamon
1. Combine milk and water.
2. Boil it (or, near boil it if you are afraid of the milk overflowing because that can happen if you boil the milk too fast and it always makes me afraid that the milk will spill over the pot which it factually did once and it smells bad when it does that and leaves a burner stain).
3. Crush/burst open the cardamom pod and place it with the leaves, then put the leaves in the boiling (or near-boiling) liquid.
4. Let the leaves steep for 3-5 minutes. The amount of time you leave it in determines the strength of the tea.
5. Pour into mug with cute decal and sprinkle a dash of cinnamon on top.
I kind of let it sit on the stove maybe a smidge too long so the flavor was a little less sweet, but I hate boiling the milk because one time I was making the tea for a friend and it boiled over on me. The second the milk hit the burner it made this horrible smell. I'm scarred.
First I like to do all my prep work for everything I'm going to make, which is usually a lot of chopping. I've been working hard lately to do more vegetables because I wasn't raised with a real focus on those and I want to be healthier as an adult. It's weird because a lot of veggies are like $0.50 each but then it feels like they last barely a week on the counter or in the fridge, so I've learned to make them very quickly after getting them. We got these from a grocery store order yesterday.
It's impossible to tell but these yams are actually pretty small, which I like. I hate cutting big yams. I have dropped two yam halves on the floor two separate times. Which equals one full yam. Insane yam math.
This side is a little icky so we will be cutting off this part
The broccoli is from NYTs Cooking, and it has like... butter, red wine vinegar, and dijon mustard for sauce. This sounds disgusting, doesn't it? I was like smelling all the pieces separately and gagging a little. But it is weirdly so good and addictive. Trust.
My supervisor
I did the most amazing butterfly cut on the chicken. There's no picture of it but it was really good. That's something I really like about cooking: you can feel yourself gaining skills. Two months ago I did not know how to cut a leek. I've never made anything with leeks before. "Leeks, what is that, like some kind of hole that can spring on a boat?" -me, two months ago. But idk, in cooking, you look up a quick youtube video, try it out, and then throw those damn leeks in your soup and realize damn, leeks are great and I'm great at prepping them. So the butterfly cut I mentioned earlier was the third time I was prepping using the butterfly cut, and it's really cool to feel myself getting better at it.
Should've taken a photo of it, I guess.
Anyways, I wasn't in a huge hurry to make everything, so it took me a couple hours total I think. It was relaxing but it's also hot in front of the stove so I got sweatier than I want to say.
Served myself way too much--couldn't finish it
Honestly even though I've only done it for one week, meal prepping is kind of taking some stress out of the upcoming week. It's pretty nice to come home from work and just toss it all on a plate and heat it up. It's such a small thing, so it's weird to feel like it makes a difference.
Also it kind of feels like an adult lunchable.
Into its tiny little boxes the food goes
CURRENT RAT EVENTS
Current fixation: Conjunctival cysts. There are certain things that you have no idea is a Thing--this was one of them for me. Was. Because I came back home from work on Thursday with one that had developed during the day. It is basically a harmless lump that forms on the eye itself. Do not google images of it, it's freaky. Luckily mine is already gone but now I know that this is a Thing that can Happen and I hate the burden of this knowledge.
Current hobby: Working on Blogger code. Apparently to get a list of the most recently updated blogs from the blogs I follow in a widget, I have to manually call the Blogger API. Crazy.
Current worry: Insurance appeal on hospital billing. And growing a conjunctival cyst. Also my cat's bathroom activities (possible vet trip tomorrow).
Quiet morning. Read a little of Secure Relating by Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott. Stressed over envelopes then made a big dinner for the week while watching Nobody Wants This. Watched some Superbowl ads.
Ace of Swords (upright)--triumph, truth, breakthrough.
I think there's a strange tragedy in being an adult, not sure if I can put my finger exactly on why.
But I get so tired of taking care of myself. And in fact, taking care of yourself is the bare minimum. If you want to be the best version of yourself, that requires even more care and effort. It's not enough to eat food, you will have to eat food that's good for you, balance your diet, and make sure you don't overeat.
I feel like the same applies to being a person. A lot of people out there are fine just as they are, maybe they don't even consider trying to be a better person. Maybe they've stagnated. But I think a lot of people want to evolve and be the best versions of themselves they can be.
When I was trying to get hired, I remember watching this video from two people in the video game industry that were giving advice to people trying to get in. For those who don't know, it's an amazingly competitive field, full of plenty of people that want to work at any number of studios because they love the games that studio has made, grew up playing them, or just want to make video games. Anyways, the guy was describing the type of person you need to be to be hired in these roles. He said you need to be "endlessly evolving" and that always stuck with me. I knew then that this was the type of person I wanted to be, not just in job applications, but all around.
It sounds like a force of nature, someone beyond a mere person, who moves forward despite all obstacles. For some reason it reminds me of the fear litany from Dune. The idea of being the thing that overcomes, the thing that remains--and in this sense, the thing that continues forward, Always.
Replace the hands with worms and it's one-to-one Dune
Something that doesn't immediately come up in that imagery is how exhausting that is. What an impossibly-heighted hurdle I've set here. Human beings don't do "endless" very well, and sometimes change is the scariest thing I can think of.
CURRENT RAT EVENTS
Current fixation: SpideyPool fanfic
Current hobby: Marvel Rivals
Current worry: Looking foolish in front of my team at work
Quiet day in. Slept until 1:30. Swept dryer lint off the balcony. Sneezing. Rent is due.
That's how today felt, at least. Not in the sense of like "last person on earth" but in the sense of like... the only sane person. The amount of work being put on me is kind of crazy, and my manager pinged me today to be like "hey don't forget training is due".
First off, training is not due today. Or tomorrow. Training is due Wednesday.
Second off, you're the one that gave me so much work that I don't have time for everything, including training.
When I first started this job, I got a lot of advice from more veteran coworkers. I don't know if they knew they were giving me advice though. I'd see them work insanely hard every day and go above and beyond, only for our manager to give the raise/promotion/reward to someone else, seemingly just because they were a better buddy to him. I think it put into my mind the idea of like don't give 100%, you will regret it.
Entering the job force, it's amazing to look around and see that most people don't give anywhere close to 100%. It can be so low, that it will be personally offensive sometimes. Like I sent an email four hours ago, you can't check your fucking email in four fucking hours? What are you doing?
Literally (side tangent) someone mentioned something during a presentation. I was working on a related task, so about 20 minutes after the meeting ended, I messaged them something like: "Hey, did you say [blank]? Or did I misunderstand?" because it could potentially impact my work. It was close to the end of day, so I didn't expect him to respond, but he still didn't respond the next morning. Or afternoon. I messaged him at about 2 pm asking if he saw my message. He said he did, he just didn't know how to respond. Okay, so you just didn't respond???
"you disgust me" jk I had to be like "oh wow :) haha np :) haha yeah cool I get it haha :)" my worksona was sweating
But more and more lately, I think I'm learning it isn't about being someone that gives 100%. Not necessarily. That's only a symptom. The root cause is caring. I want to say "caring too much" but honestly, in this modern world, if you care anything over 60%, that is apparently too much.
I feel so alone sometimes, hearing these people say wild shit, and looking around at everyone else, slowly realizing I'm the only one that cares. When we have regular meetings during lunch, when the coworker is slightly misogynistic, when someone else doesn't do the work... everyone else just takes it. They don't notice. You look around thinking does anyone else have an issue with this and they don't. The lack of response can be disconcerting and sometimes makes me feel like the only person that's actually awake and not in a fog.
The worst part is that I don't want to care less. Honestly, not sure if you can turn the dial and do that anyways. I think if anyone reading this is like that--someone who cares about things other people don't care about--then I think that's great, and kind of needed. I wouldn't want them to care less. I don't want to care less. I just wish everyone else cared a little bit more.
First off, big book is big. Kind of keep settling into weird positions on the couch or bed and hold it up with only my wrists and gives me a bit of a soreness. I have delicate wrists for I am a delicate lady.
Anyways, instead of showering, I read this book for most of today. It's my first real Grady Hendrix book, I think I started the Final Girl Support Group (or whatever it's called, I think it's a bit funnier if I don't look up the title and go with something slightly wrong nvm I just looked it up and it's exactly what I guessed so that's less funny) but I only got maybe 30 pages in. It's not that it didn't interest me, I think I was just less intense about reading and it was due back at the library, so I just never picked it up again to finish off the other 322 pages.
Truthfully, I was in a bookstore and I picked up this book and was so nearly close to buying it. The first sentence is so funny. (She didn't think things could get any worse, then she saw the sign. Welcome to Florida, it read.) I barely managed to resist once I saw the library had a copy. And this morning, I had five unstarted library books so I rolled a random number generator and got this one (which is good because I secretly wanted to start this one today). It's definitely cutting the line quite a bit, but the rules are different on a snow day/weekend. Welcome to the Thunderdome.
The first scene of gore is shocking. I guess I wasn't familiar with Hendrix so I didn't think he'd necessarily go there, but as they say, don't read a horror book centered around a lot of pregnancy if you aren't ready for some pregnancy-related horror, so I suppose that's my bad for ignoring that common phrase.
Then there's an entire two pages in Chapter 22 just describing a character's pain. Two entire pages. The descriptions are visceral and unique. It starts with: The thing in her stomach picked her up and dragged her into the pain room. Her entire body was made of pain. (I really would like to write more of the quotes but I think it might be quite a lot.) What a blunt way to start it though. It really catches the attention if you ask me. I'd love if someone asked me one day. God, I'm lonely.
In another scene, a character pays the "sixpence" of a spell. I preface my reaction by saying I've read a good amount of horror and gore (Bat Eater, Play Nice, and The Eyes Are the Best Part most recently). This wasn't even a horror scene in that sense and I almost couldn't read the whole thing. As it was, I had to skim over it, take a break to cringe and curl up in a ball and feel every feeling like electricity down my nerves, and then skim over the rest super fast like ripping off a visual band-aid. I have to imagine it's the kind of phantom pain men feel when they watch those "funny" compilation videos of other men getting kicked in the balls.
Except with fingers.
You look into that eye and try to tell it that its gore gave me a false sense of security of what level of gore I could handle
Although the sixpence scene was probably objectively the worst, there is also a medical scene that made my hands shake so bad. I do think it was supposed to be horrible, but I don't know if it was supposed to send the reader away sobbing. Which I didn't do right away, I read another 40 pages before my bf came to check on me, which broke my reading trance and then I started sobbing.
The dedication page was so silly that it really put me in a false sense of ease
I'm a bit impressed with Hendrix though. He isn't afraid to take the wheel and go straight off a horror cliff, or more accurately, teeter the car dangerously close to the horror cliff while his passengers scream, squirm, and cringe in sympathetic pain. I guess I thought since he's a bit more of a known name that the book would be a little more "mainstream", which can also kind of go hand-in-hand with "safe" and "tame". If you want something truly horrific, surely they would not sell it on the front table of BookPeople. That's just out where everyone could see it, including kids aged under 5, grandmothers with pearls, and a really cool dog on a skateboard that one time.
This preconception was my mistake. Grady Hendrix is one of those mean authors that isn't afraid to toss his characters in a fire to keep him warm and has a poetic charm for scary gory pain. BookPeople's entrance table has (as the kid's say) "hands".
Btw this is the man I'm complimenting and this is also his author photo in the book
'To become a witch, one traditionally meets a dark figure in a remote
place and pledges their loyalty. I am that dark figure, this is that
remote place, and now I require each of you who wishes to leave man's
world behind, each of you who wishes to embrace her power and turn your
back on God, to pledge yourself to me.' -Quote I liked from the book that I don't have to censor because it isn't about pain or pregnancy medical horror.
